I woke up this morning, like I do every morning, with a feeling of peace.
We light incense at bed time and fall asleep every night to meditation music playing softly in the background. So every morning, we wake up to the faint smell of incense and a medley of meditation music, birds singing and an occasional tinkling of the chimes above our bed.
This morning as I slowly awoke to another beautiful day and lay looking up at the feathers dancing in the cool air from the fan, my mind slowly drifted to my thoughts and I found myself thinking about you, Dad.
Although I don’t believe in heavenly birthdays, I can still think about you today, in remembrance of your earth soul journey and what you meant to me.
Photographs are a wonderful way of remembering loved ones that are no longer with us. Looking at this photograph of you brings tears and makes me feel sad that I will never see you again.
I will never sit next to you again, or talk to you or be able to share my journey and experiences with you.
But I am also comforted looking at your still very handsome face that shows so much of your character. There is a light in your eyes that speaks both of happiness but also sadness. The thin tight line of your mouth that speaks of stubbornness and impatience but also love. The lines on your face that speak of a life well lived. When looking at this photograph, I feel the love in my heart which will be with me forever. Memories never fade and are part of who we are.
Our father, daughter story might not have been the fairy tale story book version of a loving parent and an adoring child but I know that you loved me and I loved you very much Daddy.
I didn’t get to see you before your soul decided it was time to journey on but I was very blessed to be able to attend your service via Zoom, where I was able to read this letter I wrote for you and to thank you for being the provider and father you were to me.
Brian Paige Truebody – My Daddy
I read this somewhere, “If you have a Brian in your life, give him the absolute world because he deserves that, as Brian means Strength and Honour.
So today Daddy, we honour you.
I was sitting outside before I wrote this letter feeling the sun on my skin and thinking how much you LOVED feeling the sun on your skin. This made me feel close to you. In my earliest memories, I see you, a very handsome man in a tan colour speedo, on the beach in Kalk Bay or at Cape Point. You loved being in the sun and swimming in the sea. I remember a day at Cape Point, swimming out with you, way past the seaweed and not feeling at all scared, because I was with you.You were a man of few words who would sit and observe, rather than join in. I often used to wonder, when you would be sitting quietly, what you were thinking and feeling as you never shared your thoughts and feelings with us. Even when I would call you from Cambodia, our chats were always short and to the point and I could sense that you did not want to engage in conversation. But you always said the important things.
Mandy, oooh I miss you. I love you. Look after yourself.
And then I could hear that you were ready to say goodbye having said what you needed to say.
I was so excited to be coming home last month to spend time with my children, my sisters and my family, to celebrate Michelle’s 60th birthday and also to spend quality time with you, Daddy. Being in Asia for the past few years, I have grown in spirit. I felt that when I see you again, we would connect on a deeper level than before.I wanted time alone with you, to talk to you, to hold you, to kiss you and to tell you that I love you. I wanted this time to connect with you, not only as father and daughter but also one soul energy to another. I felt in my heart that this would possibly be the last time that I would see you and I wanted it to be special. A memory I would cherish forever. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Daddy, I needed to tell you that I never blamed you for certain things that happened in my childhood, that were kept from you. And I can only imagine how much it hurt that you were not there to protect me. Daddy, I believe that if you knew, you would have protected me. I have had the time to reflect and through meditation practice, I now have a deeper understanding of you and am able to see your inner nobility. I know that you had a very hard life as a child and that you were sent away to a trade school. I also know there were many difficult and trying times in your life. You went through a difficult divorce at a very young age and fought for custody of daughter. You then fathered me out of wedlock, which must have been frowned upon at the time but you did the right thing and married mom. And what did I do, I cut my finger off on your wedding night! And this was only the start of many other incidents. Like the time when I wondered off on my own at 2 years old crossing a busy highway, then getting my head stuck in a chair, going camping and getting badly burned with molten lead just to name of few. As an adventurous and accident-prone child, I probably gave you and Mom many head-aches.When you married mom, you also took on the responsibility of her two young children, who you accepted as your own. Growing up you always treated all four of us (Charmaine, Sharon, Michelle and I) equally and didn’t favour one above the other. Well not until our baby sister Debbie, who absolutely adored you, came along.You worked hard and provided a home for your family although you often struggled with your own inner demons. I remember how you would come home on pay day and hand Mommy a closed envelope with your wages in, never asking for anything for yourself. You continued working until after retirement age to be able to provide for Mom and yourself for your old age. Silently, you endured the hurt and pain of saying goodbye to your first born, Sharon. And then, what must have been your greatest heartache, you said goodbye to Mom while having to witness the pain and loss being endured by your children and grandchildren. All of this, you did in silence without ever burdening any of us with your feelings, thoughts or fears.
I am very thankful that I am able to be part of this service today when we honour you and that I am able to read this letter as my farewell to you Daddy. I am at peace knowing that you were well taken care of by my sisters and the people at the home. I am also comforted knowing that you will not grow old and suffer and that your energy will live on forever. And wherever your soul is journeying to next, in whatever form, may it be a place or time that is not as crazy as this world we are all living in right now.
Namaste’Daddy. I bow to you.
When we think about loved ones that have passed recently we are also reminded of other loved ones who passed before.
Thinking about you today has stirred up so many memories of Mom and Sharon.
Although it has only been five years since they both left us, with everything that we have experienced over the past five years, it seems like another lifetime ago.
Sometimes when I hear or read comments like “I think about you and miss you every moment of every day”, I know that I am and will always be on a different emotional level to others as I honestly cannot say that I think about and miss my family and loved one every moment of every day or even every day for that matter. I’ve tried to understand that side of myself that is emotionally somewhat lacking but after so many years of psychoanalyzing myself, I just have to accept that I don’t feel emotions like everyone else and I honestly don’t think about or miss loved ones every day and that’s ok! I can only be true to me….
But when I do think about them, I dedicate that moment in time fully to the memory of them.
I was gifted with this photo yesterday by cousin Bonny of Mom and Sharon. A rare beautiful picture of them together, smiling and happy.
So today I will think about those who have left us to journey on and I will light a candle and incense in memory of my Dad, my beautiful Mother and my amazing brave sister Sharon and wish them Happy Soul Journeys.
Blessed Be.